Horror Express

No doubt due to that Tom Hanks movie, Horror Express sounds like the name of a kids movie. Well, it’s not exactly a kids movie–it was rated “R” (no sex, no profanity, no nudity, no drugs except alcohol, merely good old violence and very fake gore) but I think I would have liked it more when I was 12.

Our story begins in 1906, with the discovery of a prehistoric apeman, frozen in ice. Spoiler alert: when shaved, the ape man is actually Captain America who was sent too far back in time.

Actually, the ape man is shipped across Asia on an express train, intended to be revealed in England as a scientific wonder.

Instead, when the crate containing the apeman is opened early, it escapes and kills in such a way that it flattens the wrinkles from the victims’ brains, turning them into fleshy, smooth cue balls. The film claims this is because memories are stored in the brains’ wrinkles (Horror Express was made in 1972 and I don’t think any doctors of that time would agree. Heck, it’s set in 1906 and I don’t know if doctors of that era would agree.)

Eventually the ape man is gunned down but it turns out that it was being controlled by a parasitic alien that hopped into one of the train’s passengers. Not even the appearance of a tyrannical Cossack can stop the alien. It even turns all its victims into zombies and rampages even more.

Can the passengers survive?

Yes, because two of them are Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee and they know how to deal with monsters.

I wouldn’t say that Lee and Cushing were the only reason to watch Horror Express but they’re two of the biggest. Normally, I’m more of a fan of Cushing but Lee was made for his role as an arrogant archeologist and dominates his scenes (except for the Cossack).

Telly Savalas played the Cossack in charge of discovering the killer. He’s over-the-top and insulting but would have gotten away with it if the alien hadn’t received help from a deranged monk.

Savalas is only in the movie for a couple of scenes but pours ten hours of acting in a fifteen minute role. If you like quiet, subtle acting, you might want to leave the room when Savalas is on screen. For me, he was the best part of the film.

Many of the actors stood out. Cushing’s assistant was played by a woman who looked like Melissa McCarthy playing Sean Spicer. She gets killed early but added to every scene she was in.

Supposedly, Horror Express was an unofficial adaptation of “Who Goes There?” the story that The Thing was based on. I can neither confirm nor deny that, but if it was the case, it was a very loose adaptation.

I was reminded of Gremlins and the Creepshow segment “The Crate” in that both Gizmo and Fluffy were released from crates/boxes and both whistled (this was cut out of the final cuts of Creepshow, but in the early drafts, Fluffy whistled when angry or hungry). Horror Express‘s alien also displayed unusual abilities, lived in the dark, was pained by light, and had survived for ages.

I have no idea if either movie really was influenced by Horror Express but it was recently featured in an episode of the Creepshow television show.

One negative point was that the blood in Horror Express looks like red paint, not blood. Unless it’s played as a comedy, I’d rather have no gore than obviously fake gore. I don’t blame the director. The film was made partially in Spain in 1972 when Franco was still in power and maintained strict censorship for movies and all artistic work.

I picked Horror Express because of Cushing and Lee but found a lot more to like. I was disappointed by the last Lee/Cushing movie but this one made up for it.