Posted by: Mark | January 1, 2015

Stupid Resolutions

I had a tough time coming up with 100 resolutions for the year.  I looked around on Google for help but almost every page I checked was worthless. Here’s the worst resolutions I found:

Free your inner animal. [Even if this sounds good to you, how exactly do you accomplish it? Poop in the yard?]

Stop being racist.  [Okay, it’s a nice thought but why stop there? Why not stop being imperfect in general?]

Be healthier. [This is too vague to be useful. “I won’t drink any bleach; I’m healthier than if I did.”]

Pay off your debt. [If this is something you can list as a resolution,  you haven’t much debt.]

Lose weight. [Again too vague. “I blew my nose–I weigh less.”]

Be happier. [Good luck quantifying that.]

Find love. [Unless this involves hookers, it’s not a viable resolution.]

Get better, faster orgasms. [I’m thinking faster orgasms would kill the “find love” resolution.]

Realize it’s okay not to use soap or shampoo. [Same source as the last–the goal must have been to make premature ejaculation look good.]

Fight a bear. [“At the end of the year,  my readers will realize how dumb these resolutions are–how can I thin their ranks?”]

Don’t be negative. [“Be positive” is slightly better but “don’t be negative” isn’t just vague but also contradicts itself.]

Break a world record. [If you have a specific record in mind, this might work, but in general it’s not very good. “It’s December 29–I need to finish eating a bicycle.”]

Become the next Steve Jobs. [I was going to be an abject failure this year, but then I remembered my resolution.]

Become famous. [Is this a good resolution? Is it easier to do something good to get famous or something criminal?]

Be more awesome. [If you had a way to chart this, it could work, but as it is, “be more awesome” is just empty words.]

Be funnier/Be nicer/Be better. [All in a row on the same site. Somebody got paid to write that.]

Live forever.  [If I could, I wouldn’t care about the passing of the years and would have no need for new years resolutions.]


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